Sunday, January 24, 2010
this is a social experiment. mind the gap?
So today I broke down. I swallowed my pride, my poor, penniless pride, and walked into Price Chopper for a job application. I mean, I like Price Chopper, it's clean and welcoming and comforting with it's fully stocked shelves and glistening produce from Brazil and New York and Guatemala but never Pennsylvania. It's well lit and open and their carts hardly ever have jammed wheels. Not to mention I'm not going to make a killing on crocheted hats or shitty greeting cards. And I figure if I'm working with at least 1 or 2 cool people it will be bearable. So in I went to customer service, to ask for an application. And they shoot me down. ONLINE! they say. It's online now. WHY IS EVERYTHING ELECTRONIC?? I'll tell you why... but that is for later. So I hurry to the nearest computer and pull up the "career opportunities" section (because, yes, this is the path I knew I was destine to follow) and specify my desired Price Chopper. NOT ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS AT THIS TIME. Now I'm angry. I didn't even want to work at their stupid corporation. I just gave in to my incessant materialism long enough to succumb to the idea of working a minimum wage, mind-numbing, dead-end job. However, now I wanted to work there just because they said I couldn't. It could be a social experiment. A peak into the life of commercial food and the people who buy it. Brillat-Savarin once said, "Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are." There we go. This could be the start of a beautiful thing. So since Price Chopper apparently has no use for me, I headed over to ShopRite. And they are hiring! Of course, because they had to join the club (lemmings), they also had an online application. They were kind enough though to provide a computer kiosk, for your application pleasure! SO THIS IS WHY THE APPLICATION IS ONLINE... There are about 500 needless questions. Questions no one is going to answer honestly. Questions like "When is stealing okay" and answers like "sometimes stealing is okay" "usually stealing is okay" "never is stealing okay" "stealing is okay when you are really really broke and starving and are in Whole Foods and the sushi looks really good so you shove it in your bag and go upstairs to share it with your friend only to have the very scary looking security guard come up to you and ask you for your receipt then bring you down to a scary dark room with cameras everywhere to interrogate you and take your picture and ban you from any Whole Foods in America" I think I'll take the last one. But I won't tell them that. Instead I will answer, "stealing is the most perverse thing in existence and only the lowest, most base creatures will do it. yugh. will you hire me now."
But the truth is Shoprite will hire anyone. Shoprite has hired the 14 year old angst ridden teeny bopper my brother just saw doing blow at the latest crazy party. Shoprite has hired the 47 year old pedophile who just finished going door to door explaining his past after he moved into a split level in Port Jervis in an attempt to escape his recent persecution in Iowa for molesting his 13 year old neighbor (who incidentally also just got hired at her local Shoprite). So I'll cross my fingers and swallow again, and wait for that velvet phone call.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
From "Dirty Jerz" with Love
As a child I was raised in a far off and mystical land called New Jersey in a sleepy little town called Irvington (which was called “Murder City, USA” briefly in the 80’s but who’s’ counting?). My mother’s side of the family is Spanish and I spent a lot of time with my relatives in the Portuguese section of Newark (yes, that Newark and no, the Portuguese section is not that bad) eating Iberian cuisine and eventually learned to love Thai and other world gastronomy; that is, once I finally got over my 3-year old realization that “there are peanuts in my spaghetti.” The point is, that among the wonders of my much maligned homeland I treasure one food concept above all: The sacred New Jersey Breakfast. Now, until recently I didn’t know that most of this was anything but normal but it must be regional considering that it owes a lot to New York Jewish cuisine. …Except the part with the pork and the bacon.
Typically eaten on Sundays, it shares much with a typical New York breakfast enjoyed on a morning in; bagels and cream cheese, eggs or a breakfast sandwich combining a good quality round roll, friend egg, a slice of cheese and that most perfect and godly meat, Taylor Ham. Taylor Ham or Pork Roll is a delicacy that is well, barring any appetizing language, a shaped log of pork that is sliced and cooked. My favorite description I found on the web is:
“In 1910 it was described as "a food article made of pork, packed in a cylindrical cotton sack or bag in such form that it could be quickly prepared for cooking by slicing without removal from the bag.”
My, that sounds delicious. Another feature of this blessed pork product is its unique shape after cooking; 4 small slits are cut in the perimeter of the circle to keep it from curling into a giant convex UFO of pork based death.
While my attachment to these things may seem sentimental and ephemeral the beauty of the marriage of the human senses with pork, cheese, fried egg and a toasted roll is a simply transcendental treat that can be found at most diner, cafes, bagel joints and delis in the tri-state area. But it's not for anyone with a pre-existing heart condition.
Buy the Sunday paper, brew a pot of coffee and turn on CBS Sunday Morning and you have the most perfect morning at home I could imagine.
Typically eaten on Sundays, it shares much with a typical New York breakfast enjoyed on a morning in; bagels and cream cheese, eggs or a breakfast sandwich combining a good quality round roll, friend egg, a slice of cheese and that most perfect and godly meat, Taylor Ham. Taylor Ham or Pork Roll is a delicacy that is well, barring any appetizing language, a shaped log of pork that is sliced and cooked. My favorite description I found on the web is:
“In 1910 it was described as "a food article made of pork, packed in a cylindrical cotton sack or bag in such form that it could be quickly prepared for cooking by slicing without removal from the bag.”
My, that sounds delicious. Another feature of this blessed pork product is its unique shape after cooking; 4 small slits are cut in the perimeter of the circle to keep it from curling into a giant convex UFO of pork based death.
While my attachment to these things may seem sentimental and ephemeral the beauty of the marriage of the human senses with pork, cheese, fried egg and a toasted roll is a simply transcendental treat that can be found at most diner, cafes, bagel joints and delis in the tri-state area. But it's not for anyone with a pre-existing heart condition.
Buy the Sunday paper, brew a pot of coffee and turn on CBS Sunday Morning and you have the most perfect morning at home I could imagine.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Reaching out into the abyss...and into the loving arms of Brits
There was a time in my life when I was mired in the vast and wasting expanse of a concept called high school, trapped by my rural surroundings and complete lack of a nearby municipal infrastructure. To put it lightly, it was complete hell. I survived this period in my life only through a combination of interests and media that had nothing to do with my immediate environment, namely esoteric foreign music, a subscription to Netflix and a slight obsession with British television.
As time passed I finally escaped that tax funded hellhole, went to college, and was much happier. Still, as a freshman in college who didn’t own a TV sometimes I craved the mind numbing comfort of the boob tube in a way I can’t express to you. Maybe it was because at this time the whole network TV online thing hadn’t caught on in the US, maybe I missed those same old shows that I found comfort in before, maybe I identify with the British soul. Or maybe I was just weird. At any rate (to paraphrase my mother), I was back on the hook of British “tele” in no time with the help of YouTube. I’d like to spread the addiction to you, the viewer. A quick viewing of any of these shows and you’ll see that although separated by an ocean there’s not an insurmountable pop cultural difference between the two countries. Ok, I say that because most of my favorite shows are either trivia based of feature witty banter and references wherein it is necessary to have knowledge of these things. Oh, how post-modern of me. For everything else you can use google, just like I do every other time the internet brings me something I’m not cool enough to know. Without further ado, awaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
Dr. Who
Television’s longest running show ever and the most successful sci-fi show of all time. It has gone through many incarnations and 11 “Doctors” to date but the plot synopsis is as follows:
The character of the Doctor was initially shrouded in mystery. All that was known about him in the programme's early days was that he was an eccentric alien traveler of great intelligence who battled injustice while exploring time and space in an unreliable old time machine called the TARDIS, an acronym for Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space. As it appears much larger on the inside than on the outside, the TARDIS has been described by the Third Doctor as "dimensionally transcendental"[40] and, because of a malfunction of its Chameleon Circuit, is stuck in the shape of a 1950s-style British police box.
As a Time Lord, the Doctor has the ability to regenerate his body when near death. Introduced into the storyline as a way of continuing the series when the writers were faced with the departure of lead actor William Hartnell in 1966, it has continued to be a major element of the series, allowing for the recasting of the lead actor when the need arises. The serial The Deadly Assassin established that a Time Lord can regenerate twelve times, for a total of thirteen incarnations. To date, the Doctor has gone through this process and its resulting after-effects on ten occasions, with each of his incarnations having his own quirks and abilities but otherwise sharing the memories and experience of the previous incarnations
Yeah, I wiki’d it. Sue me; it’s been on for 40 years, that’s a bit long to write a blurb about.
The Doctor reunites with an old travel companion:
The Doctore causes the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius!
Never Mind the Buzzcocks
A long running comedy “quiz show” that focuses on music and is notable for its camp and insulting jokes. Though it has had several hosts in its history Never Mind the Buzzcocks is unique in the pure joy each host takes in expressing their disgust with vapid pop music and not even the guests invited onto the show are spared the vitriol as each one is routinely plumbed for laughs.
The evil genius of Josh Groban:
Infamous walk-off of panel guest Preston:
Sunday Night Project
Like SNL. Except silly. And good. This weekly sketch comedy/chat show is hosted by comedians Alan Carr and Justin Lee Collins is helmed by a different celebrity every episode. Hilarity ensues along with mock news segments, cross dressing and music performances.
UK's Channel 4 doesn't want me embedding this so here are the links:
Electro-shock quiz time with Martin Sheen
Big Fat Quiz of the Year
An annual rehash of the year’s events both political and pop in the form of a quiz show with some of Britain’s favorite personalities. My personal favorite is a round where panelists have to guess which news stories are being acted out as plays by elementary school children.
Mitchell Brook Primary presents the Da Vinci Code plagiarism scandal:
The Mighty Boosh
A surreal, comical, whimsical adventure sitcom which follows the tragically un-hip, jazz loving Howard Moon and ultra cool Vince Noir and friends on kooky flights of fancy in pursuit of their dream of musical success. I became hooked on it as a freshman and it’s now syndicated to Adult Swim in the U.S.
As time passed I finally escaped that tax funded hellhole, went to college, and was much happier. Still, as a freshman in college who didn’t own a TV sometimes I craved the mind numbing comfort of the boob tube in a way I can’t express to you. Maybe it was because at this time the whole network TV online thing hadn’t caught on in the US, maybe I missed those same old shows that I found comfort in before, maybe I identify with the British soul. Or maybe I was just weird. At any rate (to paraphrase my mother), I was back on the hook of British “tele” in no time with the help of YouTube. I’d like to spread the addiction to you, the viewer. A quick viewing of any of these shows and you’ll see that although separated by an ocean there’s not an insurmountable pop cultural difference between the two countries. Ok, I say that because most of my favorite shows are either trivia based of feature witty banter and references wherein it is necessary to have knowledge of these things. Oh, how post-modern of me. For everything else you can use google, just like I do every other time the internet brings me something I’m not cool enough to know. Without further ado, awaaaaaaaaaaay we go!
Dr. Who
Television’s longest running show ever and the most successful sci-fi show of all time. It has gone through many incarnations and 11 “Doctors” to date but the plot synopsis is as follows:
The character of the Doctor was initially shrouded in mystery. All that was known about him in the programme's early days was that he was an eccentric alien traveler of great intelligence who battled injustice while exploring time and space in an unreliable old time machine called the TARDIS, an acronym for Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space. As it appears much larger on the inside than on the outside, the TARDIS has been described by the Third Doctor as "dimensionally transcendental"[40] and, because of a malfunction of its Chameleon Circuit, is stuck in the shape of a 1950s-style British police box.
As a Time Lord, the Doctor has the ability to regenerate his body when near death. Introduced into the storyline as a way of continuing the series when the writers were faced with the departure of lead actor William Hartnell in 1966, it has continued to be a major element of the series, allowing for the recasting of the lead actor when the need arises. The serial The Deadly Assassin established that a Time Lord can regenerate twelve times, for a total of thirteen incarnations. To date, the Doctor has gone through this process and its resulting after-effects on ten occasions, with each of his incarnations having his own quirks and abilities but otherwise sharing the memories and experience of the previous incarnations
Yeah, I wiki’d it. Sue me; it’s been on for 40 years, that’s a bit long to write a blurb about.
The Doctor reunites with an old travel companion:
The Doctore causes the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius!
Never Mind the Buzzcocks
A long running comedy “quiz show” that focuses on music and is notable for its camp and insulting jokes. Though it has had several hosts in its history Never Mind the Buzzcocks is unique in the pure joy each host takes in expressing their disgust with vapid pop music and not even the guests invited onto the show are spared the vitriol as each one is routinely plumbed for laughs.
The evil genius of Josh Groban:
Infamous walk-off of panel guest Preston:
Sunday Night Project
Like SNL. Except silly. And good. This weekly sketch comedy/chat show is hosted by comedians Alan Carr and Justin Lee Collins is helmed by a different celebrity every episode. Hilarity ensues along with mock news segments, cross dressing and music performances.
UK's Channel 4 doesn't want me embedding this so here are the links:
The Sunday Night Project | Lily Allen's News
Electro-shock quiz time with Martin Sheen
Big Fat Quiz of the Year
An annual rehash of the year’s events both political and pop in the form of a quiz show with some of Britain’s favorite personalities. My personal favorite is a round where panelists have to guess which news stories are being acted out as plays by elementary school children.
Mitchell Brook Primary presents the Da Vinci Code plagiarism scandal:
The Mighty Boosh
A surreal, comical, whimsical adventure sitcom which follows the tragically un-hip, jazz loving Howard Moon and ultra cool Vince Noir and friends on kooky flights of fancy in pursuit of their dream of musical success. I became hooked on it as a freshman and it’s now syndicated to Adult Swim in the U.S.
Old Timey Voices ON THE MARCH!
I’m not usually a fan of anything you could call a sport. While my sister spends the weekends at home with my dad yelling at the TV, trying to will this QB to run faster or that big guy who’s known for his weird hair to pass to the next dude, I cringe in slow agony, withered by the lack of updates in the blogosphere; witnessing a game that says it only takes one hour of time on the clock stretch on for four. Finally, I’ve found one thing connected to sports analysis that I can get behind: Tom Gribble of 1310AM The Ticket’s BaD Radio Show goes to after-game conferences (am I the only ones who think these big lugs look strange in suits?) and asks players and coaches questions about the game in a Depression Era newsman voice, complete with references to Prohibition, Speakeasies and the Jitterbug. As someone who wonders why the 6 o’clock news isn’t done in that amazing news reel voice from Citizen Kane, this is a bit of a windfall.
Kane for comparison:
This is probably because of a gag from freshman year in college in which my friends Kayla and Courtney (two hilarious dames if I do say so) enjoyed performing similar voices and acting like nosy film noir detectives. To this day Courtney routinely exclaims “What’s the poop?!,” rarely without laughing half way through and much to the confusion of the more pedestrian folks around. We found this so uproariously funny that during one particular late night giggle session Kayla and Courtney recorded my answering machine message as the two detectives repeatedly asking “Hello?” “Hello?” “Hello?!” before saying I wasn’t there and asking the caller to leave a message. Though this brought me much joy and tears of laughter it was eventually removed after my mother in an uncharacteristic flight of paranoia declared that upon hearing it she thought I had been kidnapped. Thanks, mom.
Kane for comparison:
This is probably because of a gag from freshman year in college in which my friends Kayla and Courtney (two hilarious dames if I do say so) enjoyed performing similar voices and acting like nosy film noir detectives. To this day Courtney routinely exclaims “What’s the poop?!,” rarely without laughing half way through and much to the confusion of the more pedestrian folks around. We found this so uproariously funny that during one particular late night giggle session Kayla and Courtney recorded my answering machine message as the two detectives repeatedly asking “Hello?” “Hello?” “Hello?!” before saying I wasn’t there and asking the caller to leave a message. Though this brought me much joy and tears of laughter it was eventually removed after my mother in an uncharacteristic flight of paranoia declared that upon hearing it she thought I had been kidnapped. Thanks, mom.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I always put too much batter in the cupcake pan
Today I’d like to talk about something that makes me overwhelmingly happy. A small piece of joy that sugar coats the malaise that is the average day and eviscerates the bitterness of life with its indomitable sweetness. That thing, my friends, is the modern American cupcake. I can’t tell you my first real memory of these petit gateaux de joie (ok, that’s French for “little cakes of joy” but forgive me, I get a little fancy when I’ m excited) but I can tell you four things that are certain:
1. The excitement caused by being given or seeing a cupcake comes from several factors. Firstly, memories of how friggin’ exciting it was when you were given them on every classmate’s birthday in elementary school. At least that was the tradition at my elementary school. Secondly, the now internalized knowledge of how sugary and perfect this treat is and how it will send you orbiting in the sugar-powered hyper stratosphere upon first bite. Thirdly, that their small size and connection to children’s parties allows for an ease of decoration and whimsy that means they can be any color, shape, theme or flavor!
2. Ice Cream Cone Cupcakes are by far the most frivolous form of the dessert and thus are the best. When my classmates parents brought those in for us in school they because the de factor best class parents. Until the next parent did.
3. There is not one single thing on the face of the planet more disappointing than a bad cupcake. I’m looking at you, dry, overly-sugary store bought cupcake!
4. Cupcakes are the egalitarian dessert. No one will look at you funny or call you lazy if you make cupcakes from a mix. Come on, we’re not talking about a soufflé here. The flavor possibilities are endless; from 3 Citrus Margarita to Oreo Cheesecake, anything is possible! Lastly, there are so many frosting and cake recipes and traditions that people all dietary choices and needs are covered! From the lacto-ovo vegetarian to the lactose intolerant; the bacon obsessed to the halal! All are welcome to join in the sugar-fueled frenzy.
As previously mentioned, cupcakes are a cyber pick-me-up when I’m done with class for the day and remember that there’s never anything good on TV besides Golden Girls. That’s when I go hunting for the very best of blogs and sites to inspire, entertain, and instruct me upon the wonder of mankind that is dessert. Here are a few of my favorites:
Cake wrecks
Not technically about cupcakes alone but the first time I showed my sister this site we both ended up crying out of laughter on the floor
Cupcakes take the Cake
A collection point for endless cupcake inspiration, reviews and listings of bakeries around the country all topped off with adorable fan-submitted photos of the epic fight between a baby and their first birthday cupcake
52 Cupcakes
The noble quest of a woman on a mission: create, recreate and decorate some of the world's most delicious looking cupcakes with her faithful pooch at her side
With that, I exit. Hopefully this post leaves you a little more happy if you've clicked on any of the links, a little more grateful for the existence of this petit confection and probably a little hungry.
1. The excitement caused by being given or seeing a cupcake comes from several factors. Firstly, memories of how friggin’ exciting it was when you were given them on every classmate’s birthday in elementary school. At least that was the tradition at my elementary school. Secondly, the now internalized knowledge of how sugary and perfect this treat is and how it will send you orbiting in the sugar-powered hyper stratosphere upon first bite. Thirdly, that their small size and connection to children’s parties allows for an ease of decoration and whimsy that means they can be any color, shape, theme or flavor!
2. Ice Cream Cone Cupcakes are by far the most frivolous form of the dessert and thus are the best. When my classmates parents brought those in for us in school they because the de factor best class parents. Until the next parent did.
3. There is not one single thing on the face of the planet more disappointing than a bad cupcake. I’m looking at you, dry, overly-sugary store bought cupcake!
4. Cupcakes are the egalitarian dessert. No one will look at you funny or call you lazy if you make cupcakes from a mix. Come on, we’re not talking about a soufflé here. The flavor possibilities are endless; from 3 Citrus Margarita to Oreo Cheesecake, anything is possible! Lastly, there are so many frosting and cake recipes and traditions that people all dietary choices and needs are covered! From the lacto-ovo vegetarian to the lactose intolerant; the bacon obsessed to the halal! All are welcome to join in the sugar-fueled frenzy.
As previously mentioned, cupcakes are a cyber pick-me-up when I’m done with class for the day and remember that there’s never anything good on TV besides Golden Girls. That’s when I go hunting for the very best of blogs and sites to inspire, entertain, and instruct me upon the wonder of mankind that is dessert. Here are a few of my favorites:
Cake wrecks
Not technically about cupcakes alone but the first time I showed my sister this site we both ended up crying out of laughter on the floor
Cupcakes take the Cake
A collection point for endless cupcake inspiration, reviews and listings of bakeries around the country all topped off with adorable fan-submitted photos of the epic fight between a baby and their first birthday cupcake
52 Cupcakes
The noble quest of a woman on a mission: create, recreate and decorate some of the world's most delicious looking cupcakes with her faithful pooch at her side
With that, I exit. Hopefully this post leaves you a little more happy if you've clicked on any of the links, a little more grateful for the existence of this petit confection and probably a little hungry.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)