So today I broke down. I swallowed my pride, my poor, penniless pride, and walked into Price Chopper for a job application. I mean, I like Price Chopper, it's clean and welcoming and comforting with it's fully stocked shelves and glistening produce from Brazil and New York and Guatemala but never Pennsylvania. It's well lit and open and their carts hardly ever have jammed wheels. Not to mention I'm not going to make a killing on crocheted hats or shitty greeting cards. And I figure if I'm working with at least 1 or 2 cool people it will be bearable. So in I went to customer service, to ask for an application. And they shoot me down. ONLINE! they say. It's online now. WHY IS EVERYTHING ELECTRONIC?? I'll tell you why... but that is for later. So I hurry to the nearest computer and pull up the "career opportunities" section (because, yes, this is the path I knew I was destine to follow) and specify my desired Price Chopper. NOT ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS AT THIS TIME. Now I'm angry. I didn't even want to work at their stupid corporation. I just gave in to my incessant materialism long enough to succumb to the idea of working a minimum wage, mind-numbing, dead-end job. However, now I wanted to work there just because they said I couldn't. It could be a social experiment. A peak into the life of commercial food and the people who buy it. Brillat-Savarin once said, "Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are." There we go. This could be the start of a beautiful thing. So since Price Chopper apparently has no use for me, I headed over to ShopRite. And they are hiring! Of course, because they had to join the club (lemmings), they also had an online application. They were kind enough though to provide a computer kiosk, for your application pleasure! SO THIS IS WHY THE APPLICATION IS ONLINE... There are about 500 needless questions. Questions no one is going to answer honestly. Questions like "When is stealing okay" and answers like "sometimes stealing is okay" "usually stealing is okay" "never is stealing okay" "stealing is okay when you are really really broke and starving and are in Whole Foods and the sushi looks really good so you shove it in your bag and go upstairs to share it with your friend only to have the very scary looking security guard come up to you and ask you for your receipt then bring you down to a scary dark room with cameras everywhere to interrogate you and take your picture and ban you from any Whole Foods in America" I think I'll take the last one. But I won't tell them that. Instead I will answer, "stealing is the most perverse thing in existence and only the lowest, most base creatures will do it. yugh. will you hire me now."
But the truth is Shoprite will hire anyone. Shoprite has hired the 14 year old angst ridden teeny bopper my brother just saw doing blow at the latest crazy party. Shoprite has hired the 47 year old pedophile who just finished going door to door explaining his past after he moved into a split level in Port Jervis in an attempt to escape his recent persecution in Iowa for molesting his 13 year old neighbor (who incidentally also just got hired at her local Shoprite). So I'll cross my fingers and swallow again, and wait for that velvet phone call.
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